Beautiful Disaster.

Ellyas' and I at Hyatt..hopin to find a nice lounge fer the 4 of us to chill..BUT nah..takin a snapshot wit aida while she's stressed..BLOODY SKII!!haha!
wit fafa at starbux..she made herself a hazelnut frap..YUM!!!!

me and my "colleagues" in the retard's term..haha

_callous_ was here with you at 3:33 AM .

home stinkz.ppl keep pickin at me and my mistakes..im wit my sister for goodnesss sake!! wtf! i cant hang out wit my sister and brother now?? im CONFUSED. wat and who do u wan me to be with?? tell me. tell me wat makes you happy and i'll do it. if provin you right is wat delights you. then fine.im gona quit school and be a dropout.and u can put the blame on me and tell everyone that u've advised me fer me shytz.without even fcukin realising that u are the cause fer your children's downfall.i thought for ONCE there..u were gona change.BUT i gez im wrong.u never will change cuz it is just you.people ard u suffer cuz of ur ego and blindness to wat reality is now. THIS IS NOT THE 1960s!!!people who hangout at cafes till the middle of the nite are not necessarily uneducated. u expect me to be a good kid and go home after school and werk?? why not u forbid me from makin frenz???? will that make u feel more at ease.oh FUCK.wait.u can also LOCK ME IN THE EFFIN ROOM and dun let me go out till i rot and DIE!!!!!!! how abt that??!! come on..i need space to breathe...away from you..wit my frens to unwind..not every conversation that we make hafta have a reason..u dun talk to ppl only if there is something important to talk abt.WAT BORING LIFE are U EXPECTING ME TO LEAD??!!! dun u dare say it's for my own good.cuz i noe wat i want in life.and im werkin towards it.u just dun fcukin noe me like my sis and bro does.u just give a shyt abt u and ur repo.
FOR ONCE>think of us and how we mite feel with every statement that u made.
cuz today.u officially bled my heart with ur words..and tho the pain will dissapear, the scar will always remain.
_callous_ was here with you at 2:38 AM .

YSaturday, November 26, 2005
so i've received a letter from abg wan..a letter that brightened me a midst the nagging that comes from dad fer reachin home late after werk..HEH.

he said "true love that lasts is truly a choice"..where u make the choice to be with that person no matter wat the circumstances are..no matter if there's some1 richer or much better lookin than him..that's a choice. cuz the point where u meet someone that u are attracted to is not a choice-its a chance..and wen u get caught up in a moment it is not a choice etither-it's a chance..

that i understand now..why i cant ever stick to one relationship that actually makes me feel complete..and loved and contented. haha..i havent made the choice to wana end up wit any of the ppl that i've dated..except for one person. who left to be wit some1 he made the choice to..who in turn dissapointed him.
-i've let go of that person..realising that we r just not meant to be..[listen to separated-Usher]
and im just gone waaiiittt...knowing that i'll meet that person one day..whoever he is.
for now..it doesnt matter..cuz im contented wit my own life..lovin it..weetz! haha.

and yeah BRO!! i can tell he truly loves his family now..lookin at the way he is..he's been msging me alot too..hahah askin me for so many things like as if im santa claus..a part from that he advises and told me that he loves me and that im he's only hope..haha

we also hang out alot..we keep so many secrets together..among the 3 of us[my sis,bro and me]..whoo! i miss havin him ard..im hopin that he'll change too abg wan..i dun wan him to disappoint me the third time ard. and i cant wait for you to come back either..than we can do all the late-night movies and cruisin down the highway stuff again..hehehe

ANYWAYS,im gona get a new hp and a new line..tis time ard im gona have two lines..one fer the ppl i dun give a fcuk abt and the other fer the one i wana keep in touch wit..cuz its a freakin line!!! hehe..but im still considerin..should i get the MotoRazr..?? or just the sony ericsson W800i? if i were to get that i'll have to wait till 15th Dec..YIKEZ!
it doesnt matter..im just gona wait..hehe..

off to work now..LATERZ BITCHES! Muackz!

"Fate brings you together, but it is still up to you to make it happen"
_callous_ was here with you at 1:38 PM .

YFriday, November 25, 2005
bloddy hellllll!! i duno wats goin on wit me.
i skipped french class!!!TWICE IN A ROW!!!!!
fcuk it.and worst off..i duno wat the hell is BusStats and PrinciplesOfMgt..and even worst.
i wana skip later's lecture.i just dun give a fcuk no more.i just HATE the subj tis sem.stinkz!

just finished doin the resumes crap for the freakin PROJECT!! argh.dumb fuck.

i lurve chain faggin...it gets me all high and dizzy...wheeeeee...
_callous_ was here with you at 1:54 AM .

YTuesday, November 22, 2005
yesterday after watchin "just like heaVen" wit ammar we sat at starbux and met aida, ellyas and ma sis..hung out and crapped to the max before watchin Harry Potter..after which i switched on Ellyas' ipod and heard the song "Give thanks to Allah"..whom he claims was sung by MJ..wth.haha..

anyways,wat moved me was that why in the f*in werld do ppl wana commit suicide or end their live so soon when there's so mANY greatness in life..we should be lucky to be alive and sheltered and to have that many people who actually give a shyt abt us.

those people ARE just eluded by their pain and sufferings that they let the chances of movin on and lookin straight ahead (knowin that there will be light at the end of the road) pass them by...why does tis hafta happen? y does it hafta happen to me?

wats the point in cutting myself and swallowin pills and hurtin myself wen the next day i still hafta wake up alone and depressed and empty. eremophobia.they'd say.the fear to be in solitude and livin alone.BUT til when do i hafta feel tis way? till wen do i hafta pun a mask that doesnt belong to me?

i wana fly free again..just like before..except that..now..im alone..
physically alone..but emotionally i noe im one..wit myself.
im gona fix myself..and be like who i was before and stop hurting myself.

im grateful to have ppl who cares and give a shyt abt me.
im lucky im still alive. *smiles*

-awakened
_callous_ was here with you at 2:10 PM .

YSunday, November 06, 2005
things just cant get any worst..
im not in a festive mood and ppl keep irritating me and i keep hating werk..
i find no point in comin to werk nemore..
everytime i step into the pantry to punch in..its like a drag.

i duno wats happenin to khairul either..mebe we just cant be together..
no matter how we try to be..its just 1 fact we gota accept i gez.
we are too much of an opposite to be together.TSK.
with our diff expectations..im really just not sure at all...
we hardly have any time fer each oda too and he dun seem to even be madly missin me espesh since we have not been seein or talkin to each other fer almost a week.sad case.
i've always been the one msging him to ask him how he's doin no matter how bz or tired i am and there he is finding every possible reason not to msg me..he'll tell me that he's bz or he's tired.
F*** that.i've tried to understand..and he's askin me to understand jus fer tis week cuz its hari raya's 1st week..so he's bz wit family and werk.i duno if im bein unreasonable and i honestly duno if i shud be bothered to care at all..

cuz as far as i noe..if u really are in love wit that person..u wouldnt last a day not listenin to her voice or without knowing how she is..espesh since u noe she's sick.ugh.
i understood that he was tired so i asked him to msg me wen he's goin to werk..[which is an hour ago..] and till now..at 2am..there's still no msg and i noe i shudnt even expect a call.UGHHH!!!

tis is frustrating.and we are not even together yet..and im slowly starting to give up..
espesh wit sch startin nex week..am gona load myself wit sch werk.not gona be bothered by him or dad or any other shytz thats happenin at home.
it really stinks wen nothing's goin ur way..
STOP FUCKIN PICKIN AT ME!!!!!

FucK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i could run away and live alone and just be in solitude..i would.tsk.
_callous_ was here with you at 1:50 AM .

things just cant get any worst..
im not in a festive mood and ppl keep irritating me and i keep hating werk..
i find no point in comin to werk nemore..
everytime i step into the pantry to punch in..its like a drag.

i duno wats happenin to khairul either..mebe we just cant be together..
no matter how we try to be..its just 1 fact we gota accept i gez.
we are too much of an opposite to be together.TSK.
with our diff expectations..im really just not sure at all...
we hardly have any time fer each oda too and he dun seem to even be madly missin me espesh since we have not been seein or talkin to each other fer almost a week.sad case.
i've always been the one msging him to ask him how he's doin no matter how bz or tired i am and there he is finding every possible reason not to msg me..he'll tell me that he's bz or he's tired.
F*** that.i've tried to understand..and he's askin me to understand jus fer tis week cuz its hari raya's 1st week..so he's bz wit family and werk.i duno if im bein unreasonable and i honestly duno if i shud be bothered to care at all..

cuz as far as i noe..if u really are in love wit that person..u wouldnt last a day not listenin to her voice or without knowing how she is..espesh since u noe she's sick.ugh.
i understood that he was tired so i asked him to msg me wen he's goin to werk..[which is an hour ago..] and till now..at 2am..there's still no msg and i noe i shudnt even expect a call.UGHHH!!!

tis is frustrating.and we are not even together yet..and im slowly starting to give up..
espesh wit sch startin nex week..am gona load myself wit sch werk.not gona be bothered by him or dad or any other shytz thats happenin at home.
it really stinks wen nothing's goin ur way..
STOP FUCKIN PICKIN AT ME!!!!!

FucK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i could run away and live alone and just be in solitude..i would.tsk.
_callous_ was here with you at 1:40 AM .

YThursday, November 03, 2005
today's Hari Raya and i really cant sleep fer shytz. TSK.

went to IKEA and got some stuff fer the rooommm...well our theme colour is blue and greenn...but it turned out mostly blue..but it's kinda coooll...hehe...wit the whiteboard and the pics and yada yada..haha..credits to fana and moi fer the new look!=p
will post the pic wen i got the time..hmm..Dad's naggin wit the same ol same ol shytz that he keep repeating without realising that he's testing my freakin patience.ASSness.

haiz.i went fer a haircut last Sunday..cut quite short and permed it to make the curlz visible..and straightened the fringe..looked kinda diff..a good haircut i must say..hehe cuz ellyas thinks its nice..credits to Aida fer takin me to the salon!!hehe..but poor fafa..the curlz didnt turn out well cuz her hair is naturally straight..

oh wellzz....im not really celebratin hari raya tis yr..but i duno y im makin more preparations tis year as compared to every other year..mebe it's cuz of the cashflow..heh.

listened to the takbir at Sakura at capitol..got the "chills" fer awhile there cuz i would usually be at home wit my family..but oh wellz..im stil wit family[fana,yaya and the kiz]..i duno y..but each time i listen to it i'll get all teary-eyed fer awhile..fer the fact that alota stuff has happened..and every year marks a new beginning of another dramatic chapter or perhapz, if we are lucky..a good memorable one..i dun giv a shyt anymore wat to expect tis comin year..im just gona be optimistic somehow..

with bro comin back tis friday..i hope that he'd change somehow..
alota things are comin back.i cant sleep.gona go start baking now.
till then, Selamat Hari Raya..Maaf Zahir dan Batin..

Take care peepz!

p/s:abg wan..we are celebratin 1st day of raya at Mak Long's cuz it's her bday..
and i hope that u are doin fine there..we miss you..u take good care and dun weri abt us k?
and we dun mind abt u not bein able to giv us the card..
Slamat Hari Raya to u 2..Maaf Zahir&Batin.
Hugz&Kisses
_callous_ was here with you at 4:42 AM .